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Jackie
Posts:14
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| 08/27/2009 2:35 PM |
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I have been corresponding with a close guy-friend of mine (let's call him Jake) for a long time and have recently began to like Jake as more than just a friend. In fact, I love him, and Jake told me that he has loved me since he met me. I have never felt this way about a guy before. He says that I am more special to him than anyone else in the world and that he has never been as close to anyone as he is with me.
But when Jake went on a trip away from his family for a while to a place where he was under little supervision and surrounded by a lot of girls his age who were attracted to him, he became a little distant. He e-mailed me only once while he was away and when he came back, he e-mailed talking about everything he did there and the fact that he was around a lot of girls during his trip unsupervised. He didn't email, write or call for two weeks after that last e-mail. This was not like him because Jake had always been very consistent with calling, writing and emailing to me. I didn't reply to his last e-mail because I didn't know how to respond to it. He sounded so different.
I talked to his sister on the phone (who went with him on the trip) who told me that he had spent an excessive amount of time with a certain girl there. He and the girl would disappear for a long time, always sit together, take pictures of each other and exclude themselves from the rest of the group. The girl had a boyfriend who lived somewhere else, but Jake's sister said that the girl seemed to be leading Jake on.
It wasn't until I actually called Jake to see what was going on that we talked for the first time in two weeks. Right away he said he was sorry for not calling in a while. But I got straight to the point and asked him why his e-mail to me sounded so different and confronted him on the excessive amount of attention he spent with this certain girl. I then asked him if he liked her as more than a friend. He said that he saw this girl only as a friend and spent a lot of time with her simply because he had more in common with her than with the other girls there. He didn't think he did anything wrong by spending so much time with her, even though it looked bad, and having so man pictures of her and him, one of which he placed as his facebook profile picture for a while before he changed it. He didn't even have a facebook until after he came back from his trip.
I believe that he is telling me the truth, but my parents think that it is odd that he and this girl spent so much time together when she had a boyfriend and Jake and I knew that we both loved each other.
How should I feel about all this? Jake says that he loves me, but I don't feel right about what he did while he was on his trip, although he swears that he and the girl didn't do anything. But I feel as if I am now 'one of many' since he has added a lot of girl friends to his facebook that he hardly even knows and intends to still keep in contact with the girl he spent so much time with on his trip.
I have been praying about this a lot, but it's so hard to know what is the right thing to do. Jake isn't allowed to 'date' yet so he can't technically date me, but if he loves me than why isn't he e-mailing, writing or calling me as often as he used to? And why is he allowing himself to be friends with all these girls he hardly even knows?
What should I do? |
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Ash:)
Posts:22
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| 08/27/2009 3:55 PM |
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Ok hunn i think that you kinda should be a LITTLE bit worried but that u SHOULD NOT stress about it!!! ok and im young so my advice isnt professional or anything but i hope this helps: in my opinion i think that if you really love this person then maybe you should just take this as a. . . 'precaution'? ? ?
i mean it sounds like he really does love you and you obviously love him back AND u should and i think you do trust him and respect that he is telling the truth. i think he really cares about you and after reading this book i dont think he want to hurt you at all!!! i hope this helps you but remember
DONT stress about it
TRUST him and RESPECT him!!! |
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-Ash<3 |
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JoJo
Posts:1670
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| 08/27/2009 6:56 PM |
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Firstly Jackie... How old are you?
I'm 20 so I might be able to help a little more, but like Ash said, I'm also still young and not professional 
It will also be easier to give you better advice if we know how old you are...
Maybe just try to watch and see if he behaves differently over the next few weeks... If you two are meant to be, you also have a right to know why he's giving these other girls so much attention or w/e
yes you do need to respect the guy you love, but if he's not behaving in a way that "warrents" respect, he doesn't deserve it, and you might have to tell him he has to earn back your trust, because you do wanna believe him, but actions speak louder than words... |
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Turn up the music
Turn it up loud
Take a few chances
Let it all out
'Cause you won't regret it
Lookin' back from where you have been
'Cause it's not who you knew
And it's not what you did
It's how you live
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God Bless!
Mwah XOXO
JoJo |
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David
Posts:499
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| 08/27/2009 6:57 PM |
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Though I respect Ash's heart about this matter (putting her well ahead of most girls), as an older guy I'm going to have to disagree on a few points.
It sounds to me like you've fallen into a trap many girls fall into. You've started to like one of the minority of guys that most girls like. Yes, there is a minority of guys that seem to dominate the majority of female attention. The sad truth is that these guys typically, sometimes without meaning to, are not the best of guys and are nowhere near ready for a relationship. They're typically somewhat shallow, insensitive, and do exactly what you describe this guy doing - they have trouble with being faithful. This same phenomena happens with highly sought after girls. The irony is that the thing that causes these guys to develop into such crappy guys is all of the female attention they get.
My impression is that this guy is bad news and you should just forget about him. However, I might be wrong, so take this as you will.
The girl had a boyfriend who lived somewhere else, but Jake's sister said that the girl seemed to be leading Jake on.
I can't stand girls like that. |
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Aim at heaven and you will get earth thrown in. Aim at earth and you get neither.
- C.S. Lewis |
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David
Posts:499
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| 08/27/2009 7:10 PM |
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yes you do need to respect the guy you love, but if he's not behaving in a way that "warrents" respect, he doesn't deserve it, and you might have to tell him he has to earn back your trust, because you do wanna believe him, but actions speak louder than words...
Guys do need respect, however there are caveats to this. Essentially, you should not give unconditional respect to any guy you are not in a relationship with (in reality, the only person you should give unconditional respect to is your husband). Up until that point you should be observing a guy and trying to figure out if he's someone who deserves your unconditional respect. The difference here is that once you decide he is and you marry him, you then give him your unconditional respect even when he doesn't deserve it. However, before this point he does need to earn it (reasonably, you can't be unrealistic, he will mess up as will you). This principle also works with guys and unconditional love for our girls. Up until marriage we need to figure out if she deserves it (a big part of deciding if she is someone we should marry), but once we are married we should love her even when she doesn't deserve it. I hope this isn't too confusing. |
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Aim at heaven and you will get earth thrown in. Aim at earth and you get neither.
- C.S. Lewis |
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JoJo
Posts:1670
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| 08/27/2009 7:19 PM |
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LOL that's exactly what I was trying to say David  |
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Turn up the music
Turn it up loud
Take a few chances
Let it all out
'Cause you won't regret it
Lookin' back from where you have been
'Cause it's not who you knew
And it's not what you did
It's how you live
.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.
God Bless!
Mwah XOXO
JoJo |
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David
Posts:499
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| 08/27/2009 7:34 PM |
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| Sorry to just be redundant, haha. |
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Aim at heaven and you will get earth thrown in. Aim at earth and you get neither.
- C.S. Lewis |
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Jackie
Posts:14
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| 08/28/2009 3:42 AM |
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| To answer some quesions, I am sixteen going on seventeen and take dating and relationships very seriously. But I am not allowed to date just one-on-one until I am eighteen, neither is Jake, who is also sixteen. |
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Jackie
Posts:14
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| 08/28/2009 4:11 AM |
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First of all, thank you for the advice. It has truly helped me answer a lot of unanswered questions and has confirmed everything that my parents have been telling me for some time!
What I still feel unsure about is that because Jake isn't allowed to date until he is eighteen, he feels as if he isn't wholly commited to me and can therefore talk with other girls who are interested in him -but swears that he won't ever love anyone the way he loves me. Hmmm...
But I, in my heart, feel as if I am commited to him because I really don't desire to be with anyone else, as far as this kind of relationship. To me, he is enough; I don't want to flirt or seek interests in other guys at school, etc. But it makes me wonder why I am not enough for him if he says he loves me. Why does he feel like he needs to entertain this other -however small they may be- relationships on the side and yet still expect me to be okay with it. Jake has never liked all the attention I get from guys, although he never made any rude remarks to me about it. But he and I have shared so much emotionally together and he has changed so much since all the attention he has been recently getting from girls.
I agree completely with you David on how guys can turn into such jerks once all the attention from girls gets to their heads. And sad to say, I see that happening with Jake. I also agree with everyone else that I have to respect him, which I always have, but it is so true about him having to earn his respect and that I shouldn't give anyone but my husband unconditional respect. It's just so difficult to accept all this wonderful advice you have all given me and still feel right about Jake! But I know that what you guys are saying is true, it's just so hard to believe it because then I would have to accept the fact that Jake has changed and is wandering down a road that is pulling him farther away from me.
But if he isn't the one God has for me -which I am not saying he is or isn't- , how do I...slowly pull myself away from him. After all, I do love him, but his behavior is not one that I would want to find in a future husband. Being faithful is sooooo important to me. But it isn't as easy to "forget him and move on" as it sounds. He is the first guy I have ever loved and I feel so torn at this moment.
But the Lord knows my heart and Jake's. However, I need to know myself whether or not I should forget Jake and move on, or if I can still be friends with him and slowly dissipate my love for him and in due time, his love for me.
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Ash:)
Posts:22
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| 08/28/2009 4:39 AM |
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David you make more sense than me!!! Thanks!!! haha im only 14 and hearing from you is cool!!! so thanks!!!
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-Ash<3 |
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Ash:)
Posts:22
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| 08/28/2009 4:41 AM |
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Ok one more question, is this a long distance relationship or no??? im kinda confused. . . 
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-Ash<3 |
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David
Posts:499
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| 08/28/2009 9:50 AM |
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But it makes me wonder why I am not enough for him if he says he loves me.
Because he is an immature jerk who doesn't deserve your emotions.
how do I...slowly pull myself away from him.
Unfortunatley, this might not be possible. If you really want to end your feelings for him, you'll have to completely and abruptly cut ties with him. That is a very hard thing to do but it's the only way to move on. You can't really move on while still talking to / being his friend.
Being faithful is sooooo important to me.
Remember this. Remember that girls can act exactly like this guy acts. In fact, it's even easier for girls to for two reasons: 1) girls have a more profound desire for attention than guys do, and 2) guys typically hit on girls, not the other way around. Those two things will make it very easy for a girl to be unfaithful in the way this guy is, sometimes without realizing it. So just be careful. |
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Aim at heaven and you will get earth thrown in. Aim at earth and you get neither.
- C.S. Lewis |
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Adelynn
Posts:516
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| 08/28/2009 10:42 AM |
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I was in love when I was 16, and though three years later I know that it's true, it wasn't just puppy love or something, it was so much better that it didn't become anything more serious. So please don't think that I think it's not real because you are 16!!
One thing that I now realize is that it was a long distance relationship. We saw each other often, and didn't live far from each other- but almost all of our interactions were online. We'd have these deep, profound conversations online that we would probably never have even tried to have face to face, just because it feels more comfortable to be vulnerable online.
Another thing that I've learned is that even if he could possibly be "the one" (which he very likely isn't, because he's now seriously courting another girl), he wasn't at the time. We both had so much maturing to do. Not because we were immature- either of us- but because we had so much more to learn about ourselves and life before we committed. For example, I probably wouldn't have wanted to travel like I've been able to because I would want to be here. But I've been able to meet relatives that I didn't know, I've lived in different cultures, I've met so many interesting people- and I've enjoyed it so much more because I didn't have any strings keeping my thoughts back home (other than my parents, but that's somehow different =)
And there is no good way to slowly move on. Seriously. That is just prolonging the hurt. It hurts to cut the relationship off, but it hurts for so long if you keep it going. Maybe someday he'll prove that he's ready to commit, but in the mean time, you have the right and responsibility to live your life (1 Corinthians 7, esp. verses 34-35). It sounds cliche, but go out with your girlfriends. Have parties, get a few good friends together to watch a cheesy movie and eat tons of ice cream and popcorn. Lead a Bible Study. Whatever it takes to be busy and love other people and enjoy all these things that you can do while you're single.
Best of luck! |
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"Angel of Mercy, how did you find me? How did you pick me up again? Angel of Mercy, how did you move me, why am I on my feet again?" -One Republic |
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Jackie
Posts:14
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| 08/28/2009 12:52 PM |
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By Jake putting on these girls on his facebook who are attracted to him, (which he says he isn't attracted to them in return) am I wrong to be hurt that he would even want to have all these extra relationships? Should I just be okay with it and continue to feel the way I do since we are still young and shouldn't be commited to anyone yet? I know Jake has some major maturing to do -I know I do as well. Because we are too young to commit, should I just be okay with this whole situation? |
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Jackie
Posts:14
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| 08/28/2009 1:11 PM |
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I agree that girls being more likely to be unfaithful used to be the ways things were, but nowadays, it seems as if the girls are the more agressive ones who hit on the guys. I see it happen at my school almost on a regular bases to the point where guys don't pursue girls the way they used to because they are so accustomed to the girls pursuing them. In many of my own observations of guys, I've discovered that a guy, whether commited to a girl or not, will not resist flirting with her if she flirts with him first. The girls know that guys are visually stimulated and therefore use whatever means necessary to make the guy 'fall into her trap'. In this case, the temptation is almost too strong for the guy to resist. Most guys fall for it, whether its consciously or subconsciously. It takes a very strong man to resist the temptation these agressive girls now exhibit.
I believe Jake was faced with temptation, being surrounded by a lot of girls who liked him, while he was away. And I believe this particular girl who he spent so much time with knew it would be hard for him to stay away from her if she created an emotional bond with him, which I believe they did. This girl obviously knew what she was doing when she pursued to be his friend among all the other guys and girls who were there on this trip, even though she had a boyfriend and it looked inappropriate that she and Jake spent so much time together. Jake's sister told me it wasn't like Jake and that everyone thought their close relationship was weird. -by the way, I can't stand girls who are this forward with guys either, especially when they have a boyfriend!
I don't think Jake realized it at the time, but he did allow himself to 'fall into her trap' and the emotional bond he created subconsciously with this girl, in the meantime, pulled him further away from me.
It's hard to accept the fact that girls like this -immoral, to put it nicely- could so easily take away a guy who I thought was stronger and more enabled to resist the temptation so many girls put out there. It just doesn't seem fair. Especially since he was so special to me and I thought he was different from the other guys...
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Adelynn
Posts:516
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| 08/28/2009 1:26 PM |
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I'm going to quote a book here: "When a guy says 'I love you,' he means it. He just doesn't mean it like you take it. It's not that you are the only one for him, forsaking all others... noooo, that's not what he said. When a dude says 'I love you,' ladies, it's true, he loves you. And what he means is, 'I love my dog. I love my car. I love a number three supersized. And oh yeah, baby, I love you too.' This isn't a pyramid with you on the top, then the car and the dog, then the number three. Nope, you're all on the same level. With time and God... guys will grow up and figure out where the girl in their life should be, but until then..." (97 Random Thoughts about Life, Love and Relationships)
no, you don't have to be okay with it. You certainly have the right to be upset that someone who says he loves you seems to be flirting with other girls. There are some commitment issues there.
But I'm thinking that you might have both put a lot into this emotionally before either of you were truly ready to commit.
Which means that you have to decide what your next move is, whether you keep up the relationship and pretend that it doesn't bother you (I don't recommend that; a relationship not built on truth is a bad, bad thing), you could continue it with him knowing that it bothers you (which he obviously does, but maybe he's trying to try something new), or you could end it cold. None of which are the greatest options in the world, I'm afraid =/ |
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"Angel of Mercy, how did you find me? How did you pick me up again? Angel of Mercy, how did you move me, why am I on my feet again?" -One Republic |
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David
Posts:499
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| 08/28/2009 5:26 PM |
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I'm going to quote a book here: "When a guy says 'I love you,' he means it. He just doesn't mean it like you take it. It's not that you are the only one for him, forsaking all others... noooo, that's not what he said. When a dude says 'I love you,' ladies, it's true, he loves you. And what he means is, 'I love my dog. I love my car. I love a number three supersized. And oh yeah, baby, I love you too.' This isn't a pyramid with you on the top, then the car and the dog, then the number three. Nope, you're all on the same level. With time and God... guys will grow up and figure out where the girl in their life should be, but until then..." (97 Random Thoughts about Life, Love and Relationships)
I sort of disagree with that... sort of. Mainly, it needs to include the fact that girls are equally as shallow. That quote sort of makes it sound like only guys need to mature and not girls. The fact of the matter is that girls are just as immature as guys are. Other than that, yeah, I would say his "I love you" is pretty worthless in the long run. And I would support most of everything else Adelynn is saying. My advice is to dump him and move on, as hard as that will be. |
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Aim at heaven and you will get earth thrown in. Aim at earth and you get neither.
- C.S. Lewis |
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Adelynn
Posts:516
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| 08/28/2009 7:08 PM |
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| yeah, it was just to make a point. |
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"Angel of Mercy, how did you find me? How did you pick me up again? Angel of Mercy, how did you move me, why am I on my feet again?" -One Republic |
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Jackie
Posts:14
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| 08/29/2009 12:54 PM |
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Thanks guys for all your help. I am going to carry out your advice and trust the Lord that everything turns out well. Again, thanks for taking the time to help me through all this.
~Jackie
"A woman's heart should be so close to God that a man has to seek Him to find her." |
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JoJo
Posts:1670
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| 08/30/2009 12:37 AM |
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LOL sorry I cant put a full reply on atm, I'm really busy, but I will say this...
I thought I was in love once, I couldn't picture myself with any other guy, and actually still can't... and it's something I'm slowly getting over...
the point is... the guy I was "in love" with was kinda doing exactly what you described... and I tended to brush it off... and now he has another girlfriend...
and now... even though I couldn't picture myself with anyone else... because I had told him about my stand and how I only relly wanna date the guy I'm gonna marry, if possible, and he just goes off and gets another girlfriend just like that... maybe it was because I lived so far away, idk, but the fact that he can't wait, and "has" to have female attention... I actually in my head, know that I couldn't ever let him back into my life like that again... even though in my heart I still like him... but I'm ignoring it and praying God takes those feelings away
lol your case might be different that's just what I'm having to do now... |
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Turn up the music
Turn it up loud
Take a few chances
Let it all out
'Cause you won't regret it
Lookin' back from where you have been
'Cause it's not who you knew
And it's not what you did
It's how you live
.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.
God Bless!
Mwah XOXO
JoJo |
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