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MyLifeHisWill
Posts:184
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| 03/17/2009 7:03 AM |
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Hey guys! Ok, I pretty much know how you guys are gunna feel on this one cuz I've read enough of your posts and responses, but I'm doing a research paper on Free Speech and one of the topics brought up is porn. I have a question for the girls: If you found your boyfriend looking at porn, what would you do? How would you feel? How would this affect your relationship? And for guy: Where do you stand on this issue? What is considered "porn" to you? Do bikini flyers count or only hard core Playboy? And Finally just in general what do you find are the harms of porn? do you have any stories about how porn has affected you or someone else negatively? K thats all I have! |
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I don't want to just "live" I want to experience life. |
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JoJo
Posts:1670
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| 03/17/2009 7:29 AM |
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O.K. I think for starters I'll say... being a girl, I am effected BIG TIME even when just guy friends look @ porn! Its like, How would a guy react if a girl they like/ are dating/ are friends with is reading hard out romance novels and expecting you to meet up to the totally amazing guy in the book...?
I'm sure they'd be pretty peeved!
What would I do if my bf was looking @ porn, I'd probably try to subtly ask him what was going on, maybe ask a family member to talk to him, then if NOTHING else works, I'd probably be straight up, to his face, and say "Dude, what the heck are you looking at? why are you degrading your mind and giving girls unrealistic expectations to live up to? all those girls are photoshop'd and probably are all plastic(if you get what I mean) so who in their normal life could ever live up to that??"
Id feel really annoyed and I'd probably also say to him. "If you don't start to deal with your addiction, cuz that's what it is, then we are over! end of story." Id use the above example of girls and romance novels and use illistrations from Fireproof to try to get through to him, but I couldn't be with a guy who blatantly looked at porn, or even unblatantly...
Porn gives us girls unreal expectations to live up to. like Catherine said in fireproof "How do you think it makes me feel when you watch that? It's like I'm not good enough for you that you have to look elsewhere for satisfaction" not in those words, but that's generally what she said... Remember, it is also Lustful, which to me, is wrong because I am a Christian and I believe God says it's wrong, so, it's wrong.
One of my friends little brother's is a porn addict, and it's hard talking to him about it, I mean he'll walk in a room, go up to a girl and be all "Your bra size is ......" and often he's right on the mark, but I mean, you feel so degraded when he says that! also, my friend is dating him and he's got porn on his phone, and keeps asking her to send him photo's of her (which I told her if she did, I'd kill her, cuz she deserves way better!! and the guy's a creep, and I would have hit him by now if he wasn't my friends brother...) but yeah, no one likes to be around him, he's also influencing my bro badly, and thats not o.k. with me. even my friends who live far away that we only see at camps, want to teach him a lesson! they all think he's perverted, cuz well, he is...
But yeah... Y'all probably already knew I'd say this stuff lol  |
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Turn up the music
Turn it up loud
Take a few chances
Let it all out
'Cause you won't regret it
Lookin' back from where you have been
'Cause it's not who you knew
And it's not what you did
It's how you live
.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.
God Bless!
Mwah XOXO
JoJo |
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emilyjanelle
Posts:510
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| 03/17/2009 9:55 AM |
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if i found my boyfriend looking at porn, i would definitely talk to his parents (if they're in the picture) or our youth pastor immediately. i probably wouldn't try to talk to him on my own about it because, chances are, it would have been going on longer than i suspected, so it's a touchy subject and not one i should deal with by myself. if worse comes to worse and he doesn't take any help or therapy, i would break up with him, that's that. and i would tell him why, too, so then he would know the consequences of his actions, either now or at least a few years down the road when he (hopefully) repents to God and others. so yeah, it would definitely effect our relationship, big time. i would certainly try to be his friend and stay in touch, but there would definitely be a line drawn if he doesn't want to get help.
this subject hits very close to home for me. just last summer ('08) one of my good friends confessed at a women's seminar held at our church that 3 years ago, she was addicted to porn. yeah, she was. it broke my heart, but there was such release in her spirit when she told us on that stage, that up until a couple years ago, she had been viewing explicit images. girls, the Enemy works in both genders, not just the guys. don't fool yourself into thinking that viewing "soft porn" or billboards on your way to work is somehow anything less worse than what we chide the guys for. it's not. |
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You may as well come quiet.
- Police Maxim |
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Locke
Posts:223
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| 03/17/2009 1:27 PM |
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Where do I stand? It's pretty simple. No porn, at all. I've seen how extremely destructive it is, and I don't want that in my life. As far as 'what counts,' anything that causes me to lust after a girl who isn't my wife (going through the whole spectrum you began and ended with) counts.
What are the harmful effects? Too many to count. Divorce, rape, molestation, not to mention how it warps a guy's mind and renders him less effective in society and also less respectful towards women.
I do have stories about how porn has affected people I know negatively, but I'm not going to share them because it would be unethical. It'll suffice to say that it's resulted in the loss of jobs, homes, peace, and friendships. |
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It is trifles that make the sum of life. |
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MyLifeHisWill
Posts:184
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| 03/17/2009 3:20 PM |
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Well, I'm glad to see I'm not the only girl who reacts negetivley to porn. I figured I would answer my own questions. First of all, my boyfriend and I have talked about porn and such, and since he's a Christian, he and Locke have the same opinion on it, which sets me at peace because I believe him. Also, he knows how much it would hurt me to find him looking at porn, and he said, "If I'm not doing it for God, I'm at least going to do it for you, becuase I know how hurtful it could be to you and us in future."
If I did find him looking at porn, I would like to say I would be a straightforward as Jojo and Emilyjanelle, but honeslty, I think it would just bring me to tears. I would be hurt, dissapointed, crushed, torn, and feel unloved, unapreciated, and honestly worthless. I mean, like Jojo pointed out from Fireproof, "Im not good enough?" Obviously, my boyfriend has never seen me like that, nor done anything with me, but still. Having a devoted girlfriend isn't enough? Our friendship isn't enough? Do you want a girlfriend who looks like that? Dresses like that? Lets you use her like that? I mean, those would be my questions to him. If he then said it "wasn't that bad" or tried to justify his actions, I would be broken, because it is wrong! And I can NEVER live up to those expectations - no girl can. So, if he refused to change, I would have to end the relationship. I would need God's strength because um...I'm so emotional that idk if I could stand up to him like that, but I would have to. Porn would destroy not only him, but our relationship if we were ever married. I've read so many storys about what porn has done to marriages, young girls, girlfriends...its horrible! And as far as it goes for girls and porn (from emilyjanelle) I agree. Girls watch your backs just as closly! Anyone call fall into that temptation! Don't let it ruin you.... |
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I don't want to just "live" I want to experience life. |
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JoJo
Posts:1670
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| 03/17/2009 10:45 PM |
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Yeah, I know girl's can also get addicted to it.
I remember some of my gal friends discussing how hot guys were with their shirts off, and I was like "I prefer not to look, cuz it's demeaning to the guy, firstly, to call him hot, cuz it's like you see him as a piece of meat, and it's a temptation and I don't need that in my life, as I want to respect guys!" lol. |
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Turn up the music
Turn it up loud
Take a few chances
Let it all out
'Cause you won't regret it
Lookin' back from where you have been
'Cause it's not who you knew
And it's not what you did
It's how you live
.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.
God Bless!
Mwah XOXO
JoJo |
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MyLifeHisWill
Posts:184
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| 03/18/2009 7:18 AM |
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| Yea I mean, I could see it as distracting to see guys topless, but I mean for mean its not as adiccting as I think it is for guys, it just naturally doesn't have the same effect. Nonetheless, I don't check other guys out. #1 Its lust and God doesn't like it, #2 I know my boyfriend would be devestated if he heard me saying, "Omgosh he's so hott." So yea, girls stay away too! |
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I don't want to just "live" I want to experience life. |
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Nicole
Posts:552
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| 03/19/2009 12:47 PM |
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| Porn... I really don't stand for it. It degrades the human gender, lowers the value placed on us by God. If i caught my best friend looking at porn i'd be pretty mad at him, but more disappointed and shocked than angry. I'd talk to God about how to best approach him about it, talk to his parents, my pastor and get some advice. If i had a boyfriend and i caught him looking at porn, it'd hurt me and probably bring me to tears too. A girl wants to feel loved and cherished and if her man is looking at porn for satisfaction, it really hurts her. It hurts to know that there are guys and girls out there who are addicted to porn. I really believe that relationships, whether in friendship or dating, are severely affected by porn. |
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whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it's time to pause and reflect -Mark Twain |
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Waitin08
Posts:36
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| 03/19/2009 12:55 PM |
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| If I found my boyfriend looking at it, my first reaction would be to smack him on the back of the head, and ask him what he thought he was doing! Then I'd pray hard, and do lots of bible research on it and try to get him off of it. If I couldn't, I'd have to leave him, cause I can't deal with that. I've had experiances in my extended family with porn, and I want mo part of it.... |
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Love and kindness are never wasted. They always make a difference. They bless the one who receives them, and they bless you, the giver. -Barbara De Angelis |
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Waitin08
Posts:36
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| 03/19/2009 12:57 PM |
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| opps, that was posed to be no part of it.... |
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Love and kindness are never wasted. They always make a difference. They bless the one who receives them, and they bless you, the giver. -Barbara De Angelis |
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^^@di$()N
Posts:0
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| 03/19/2009 7:53 PM |
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| I dont know.. I know this is a hard thing guys.. and sometimes girls deal with. I've read some book about it, and it's a hard addiction to break. I wouldn't yell in his face or anything, I'd just give him the facts about it, and encourage/try to help him stop. Pray to God too, and I'd probally tell an older adult or older christian guy he looked up to and trusted about it, to give him more guidance. I think it's been 'very acceptable' in today's society, but I still think it's wrong. I just wouldn't feel the same about our realtionship.. especially if I got married to the guy, knowing he's seen some other girls body, and I wouldn't compare. I think porn can really mess with your realtionship with the opposite sex, your views on sex and true love, and even when you get married and have sex.. it'll always be in the back of your mind. |
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maddiegirl
Posts:210
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| 03/20/2009 3:56 PM |
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| i'd say if my boyfriend was looking @ porn, i'd totally h8 it and i'd probably lyk talk 2 his dad or his friends or somethin. |
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Emily
Posts:29
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| 05/11/2009 1:16 AM |
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| ok, here's a question off of the question...what if your boyfriend (or girlfriend) used to be addicted to porn, but he (or she) has made the commitment to stop. would that affect your relationship at all? |
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Emilyy |
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emilyjanelle
Posts:510
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| 05/11/2009 8:41 AM |
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good question.
honestly, though, I think it would depend on my boyfriend's heart. if he was apathetic about it still and only stopped because he was threatened by his parents and has a safety lock on his computer, etc. then it definitely would affect our relationship. I would have to talk with him and maybe his parents. but, hopefully, we'd get around to talking about this before we were dating.
if, though, I can tell he's very sincere about stopping and is disgusted about what he did, it wouldn't affect me at all. I would forgive him, because Christ forgave him. |
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You may as well come quiet.
- Police Maxim |
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Adelynn
Posts:189
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| 05/11/2009 9:36 AM |
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| wow, for whatever reason, it hadn't even crossed my mind that this needs to be something discussed before dating. Good points!! |
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"... I will pour out my Spirit upon all people. Your sons and daughters will prophesy..." Acts 2.17
What If His People Prayed? |
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David
Posts:499
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| 05/11/2009 12:48 PM |
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| Would anyone be interested in a fairly different take on this matter? The reason I ask is that my response would inevitably be very long, and I don't want to smack everyone with a huge wall of text (at least without permission, haha). |
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Aim at heaven and you will get earth thrown in. Aim at earth and you get neither.
- C.S. Lewis |
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Emily
Posts:29
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| 05/11/2009 3:36 PM |
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| i am extremly interested on a different take on the matter! |
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Emilyy |
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David
Posts:499
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| 05/11/2009 11:10 PM |
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I know that I'm new here and that what I have to say might seem very different from what everyone else is saying, so I hope I don't alienate everyone right off the bat. So... here I go, haha. Since this is so long, I’ve put cliffnotes at the end if you just don’t want to wade through all of what I wrote.
The thing about pornography and guys is that girls, by having a sexual nature of a different sort, simply cannot understand what's really going on with guys. Now don't misunderstand, I'm not saying that the way you feel about it is invalid, but simply that, as girls, you can't truly understand the male experience (as it would require you to be male, the opposite is true of us, we can't truly understand the female experience). This doesn't mean you shouldn't comment on it; just that things might not be what they seem. When dealing with the issue of pornography there are really two groups of men to look at: married and unmarried men. The big distinction here is that married men have a moral way to have sex whereas unmarried men do not. First, I will address only unmarried men (even if they are in a dating relationship). One often cited point that has never sat well with me is the assertion that porn is addictive. Upon analyzing that premise, it doesn't seem to really hold up. I'll try not to be too graphic here, but it must be understood that pornography is a means to an end, not the end itself. The end to which pornography is means is of course sexual release through climax. The driving force here is his sex drive. However, it must be noted that his sex drive is God-designed, God-given, and is, by its nature, a wonderful and holy thing - just as is the female sex drive. The reason why I'm not sure porn is addictive as most think is that the underlying desire for which porn serves a purpose is a desire that God designed and gave to men. People are not born with a naturally developing desire for cocaine or alcohol (it could be said that children of addicts are born with that, but that doesn’t fit under “natural”). The best way I can describe what it’s like being male in regards to the purely physical desire which is one part of our sexual nature is to use a metaphor (or an analogy... or simile… I can’t ever tell the difference). Bear in mind, as stated this deals with only the base physical desire of the male sex drive; but that is only one small part of the male sex drive (contrary to popular belief). Anyways, here’s the metaphor/analogy/simile/thing. Imagine your desire to eat. Imagine not eating for a very long time and the hunger pains that would ensue. Basically, without food you would really, really, really want to eat something. Now imagine being told that you are not allowed to eat anything for ten to fifteen years, even though your desire for food developed completely outside of your control, but you will have to live among and interact with food at all times. Trying to be sexually pure, to the male, can feel something like that. Now before anyone thinks I’m saying something I’m not, I am not actually trying to equate women to food – I’m simply trying to illustrate the feelings involved. As such, at least for the unmarried man, porn acts as a mean to deal with a very strong, though very legitimate desire that he otherwise cannot morally meet, and it’s hard to see how it is addictive in this light, as the real, underlying desire is given from God. Also, given how truly difficult it is for men to somehow deal with our sex drives in an appropriate way, if you are dating a guy who isn’t looking at porn and who also respects you sexually, he is deserving of your undying adoration and respect, as to do those things is incredibly difficult even if moral.
The other point I want to address about porn and men is the idea that porn teaches men all sorts of unrealistic and therefore harmful expectations. I agree with that, but not in the way you might think. I think the expectations porn teaches are not the expectations everyone thinks they are. I don’t think porn teaches men to think women have to look a certain way, for it is natural for men to want their women to be and remain physically attractive. A possible part of being a good wife is making a legitimate effort to remain physically / sexually attractive to him (of course, most women, especially as they age, can’t look like a 21 year old, but most men don’t ever require this; my point mainly is that too often do I see married women dress up to go to the grocery store but never for their husband)(there is also a similar command to men – to remain sexually attractive to you by, among other things, to continue to pursue you even after he’s “caught” you). Also, given that he isn’t looking at porn that is “unnatural” (such as beastiality… ew… him looking at something like this would be an indicator that there is something wrong with his sex drive; however, looking at “regular” porn only indicates that the female form arouses him, which is actually good… or would you rather your future husband not be aroused by your form?), I don’t think it necessarily teaches him to expect outrageous things in the bedroom. It is simply reflective of the fact that he desires an exciting and interesting sex life – ultimately with his wife (as that is the natural purpose of his sex drive, even if he doesn’t realize it). I think the harmful expectations porn does teach is as to the nature of his sex life with his future wife: porn is ready to go at any time, it doesn’t require massive amounts of foreplay, and it doesn’t judge you or make you feel rejected. These things are basically tailor made for the male sex drive, but do not reflect a real woman. A real woman, and therefore a real wife, won’t want to have sex all the time, will need all sorts of different foreplay, and will, at times, have a propensity to (even if accidently) make their husband feel rejected. It would seem that the sexual part of being married involves, among other things, finding a compromise between the two types of sex drives – or, to put it more positive terms, to develop your sex drives together to form a happy, healthy sexual relationship where both parties are interested and fulfilled.
Based on everything I’ve said you might think that I think porn is ok, at least for the unmarried man. This is not actually the case. I said everything I said simply to help the women here to better understand what is really going on. I find that when I don’t understand something I am much more likely to fear or be disgusted by it. But once I understand it, those feelings lessen, even if I still disagree with the original thing. Have any of you ever wondered why looking at porn is actually wrong? I have. I realized that everyone always told me it was wrong but no one ever gave reasons. I’ve come up with two reason why I think it’s wrong, and here they are. 1.) Though the expectations are not what most think, porn does reinforce harmful expectations. 2.) If our sexual nature is designed by God to be only for one other person – ultimately our spouse, though at points in the relationship this also applies to a boyfriend/girlfriend – then to indulge any part of that nature, such as the capacity for visual stimulation, outside of the romantic interest is unfaithful. I don’t think that porn leading to or aiding in the act of masturbation is inherently immoral, because that would be like saying it’s immoral for a guy to become sexually aroused by the female form. God kind of designed us that way. Now the morality of masturbation is an entire different topic.
However, once you consider those two reasons, something interesting comes to mind. If I haven’t already lost you due to this huge wall of text, I will probably lose you here as this is very different than what we are taught and led to believe. I urge most of the ladies here not to be too quick to judge men and porn because there does appear to be a very prevalent form of media that negatively affects women in the same way porn affects men. One girl has already (impressively, I might add) mentioned a very extreme version of this in mentioning hardcore romance novels. However, I think to take that to its logical conclusion we arrive at the idea that even things like regular chick flicks run the same risk. You see, I used to very much enjoy romantic comedies until I started to realize that the romantic themes espoused in most of them were absolutely abysmal. And girls, practically being raised on these movies, are being taught these, at best, unrealistic expectations that inevitably harm their future relationships. That seems to fulfill reason number one why porn is wrong. Further, I started to wonder why women liked these movies so much more than men, to the point that their typical name (chick flick) is gender specific. Well, obviously women are different than men, so these movies must be appealing to a part of women that men don’t have. Since these movies are romantic in nature, it seems that they are in some way stimulating the female romantic drive. The romantic drive is a part of our overall sexual nature, meaning that to indulge your romantic drive outside of your romantic interest is inherently unfaithful (think about it, if you are dating a guy, would it be right of you to flirt with a bunch of other guys?). If that’s true, that seems to fulfill the second reason for why porn is wrong. So it seems to me that women suffer equally with their own form of porn. Truth be told, I hesitate to call it porn as that word carries with it such negative connotation, even if chick flicks do damage in the same way.
A real problem I have is that the church, as much as I love it, has utterly failed in helping both young men and women deal with their developing sexuality. Often it’s simply ignored when it needs to be acknowledged and appropriately dealt with. Simply saying “don’t lust, don’t look at porn, it’s bad” is not nearly enough if we want to promote healthy sexuality (not just sexual denial). Perhaps the question should be, how should both genders handle their developing sexuality in a way that both promotes it’s goodness but also doesn’t deny that it exists? Interestingly, there is a problem that often happens with girls who are raised in a Christian home who have worked very hard at remaining sexually pure. Once they get married, it’s very hard for them to actually have sex (at least at first) because they’ve spent so long convincing themselves it’s bad. That’s what I’m talking about.
If you got through all that you have my thanks, and I definitely would be interested in your thoughts. Feel free to tell me how wrong I am and blow my thinking out of the water.
Cliffnotes (sans explanations)
- Pornography, at least to the unmarried male, is not necessarily addictive as it is based on a God designed, God given desire.
- The expectations that porn teaches men are not the expectations most people think. The expectations deal more with reflective the male sex drive left alone.
- Porn is bad because it teaches wrong things and requires us to be unfaithful, not because it’s sexually arousing.
- “Chick flicks” and similar forms of media possibly function to a woman in the same way porn functions to a man (see above reasons).
- The Church, by and large, has failed to effectively help young people deal with their developing sexual natures. This is a problem that must be fixed.
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Aim at heaven and you will get earth thrown in. Aim at earth and you get neither.
- C.S. Lewis |
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David
Posts:499
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| 05/11/2009 11:11 PM |
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| Yep... Definitely ridiculously long. |
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Aim at heaven and you will get earth thrown in. Aim at earth and you get neither.
- C.S. Lewis |
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Emily
Posts:29
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| 05/11/2009 11:40 PM |
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It may have been long but its very insightful.
i took notes while reading it so i have a couple things to say.
First, I do not understand what you mean by porn is not addictive, in my experience, it was EXTREMLY addictive. and once you got hooked on it, it was very hard to get unhooked.
I also didnt understand what you meant by porn arouses the man to a womans figure, and that when we are married we should want our husbands to be arroused by us. so is that saying that they should watch it so when they get married they will be more aroused? or am i over thinking this?
I really liked you point on romance movies being a "porn" to women. In away it really is. Infact, I belive (once again from experience) that movies help some girls make the step from the romantic novels to t.v. shows that thourghly involve sex (but not explicit) to actually watching pornagraphy. It arouses us to a point where we want just a little more...most girls can contain that and fill it with romantic movies, but like guys some of us just cant. I hope it doesnt sound like i am saying porn is a good thing either, because I know how desturctive it can be to a person. Just to throw this out there, God has helped me over come my struggles with this subject.So I praise him for that!
Also, your point on marriage and how,"girls who are raised in a Christian home who have worked very hard at remaining sexually pure. Once they get married, it’s very hard for them to actually have sex (at least at first) because they’ve spent so long convincing themselves it’s bad." I agree that maybe we shouldnt teach that its bad, but actually help us deal with our sexual feelings.
I dont think that your thoughts are completly wrong at all, infact they were extremly enlightening. I am like you in the fact that I want to know all the information that is out there. I also love hearing others opions. |
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Emilyy |
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