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BabyC
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| 05/16/2009 11:45 PM |
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| I've been having a really hard time deciding if I should date or not. I've had a few 'girlfriends' but they never really ammounted to anything. Looking back it seems like they were destined to fail because they weren't based on anything. I don't think I'm shallow in the girls that I chose to date, but the fact that they failed I think is supposed to tell me something. And I haven't dated anybody in over a year and have turned down several girls that wanted to go out with me because I was worried that it wouldn't ammount to nothing and that if I said yes it might be for no reason other than flattery. And now there's this girl that I really like and I know she likes me but I'm not sure what to do because I can't get this 'To date or not to date' question out of my head and I'm worried that it might just be another dead end relationship. Plus she's a really good friend and I'm worried that if I go out with her and then we break up I'll have lost a good friend. I need some advice. What should I do? Should I date or not? |
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David
Posts:499
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| 05/17/2009 12:47 AM |
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Hm... This is definitely a tough question that plagues a good many of us. The thing about dating is that it is a temporary activity. By its nature it has a definite ending - specifically, one of three things will happen that will cause your dating relationship to come to an end.
1.) One of you might die. This is somewhat scary to think about, but rest assured it's quite unlikely. I had to include it to be intellectually honest.
2.) You will get married. This is sort of the "point" of dating. The activity of dating is supposed to be about finding a potential spouse - learning more about the person in hopes of finding or developing compatibility (to put it blandly). Without this express intent, "dating" is simply an excuse to indulge one's more carnal impulses. In this category I would also include the potential for not getting married, but dating perpetually - though this is so unlikely as to almost be not worth mentioning.
3.) You break up. Now, unless the relationship was new, both people did not have a lot invested in it and both wanted the break up (all extremely rare circumstances), break ups hurt. There's no way around it. They hurt so much as to cause some pretty severe emotional issues that must be worked through. The problem is, statistically speaking, the younger you are the more likely it is you will break up.
My advice to you is, given that dating is an expressly pointed activity, it's probably best to wait until you are ready to get married (or at least would be ready to be married at some realistic point in the relationship). Of course, to be intellectually honest, I do have to offer a counter argument to this. While my suggestion might be the better course of action, it does come with a certain challenge. It's not what most people do. Thing is, "dating" is a sort of cultural practice with its own lists of do's and don't's. Let's say you don't date and, while it was difficult, you avoid all of the emotional baggage making you a better eventual husband (the whole point of dating), but the girl you start dating has dated a lot (as, it seems, a lot of girls have [they just get hit on and asked out way more than us]). She will be very used to and very good at the practices of the "dating culture" while you will be completely new to it. You might end up unintentionally doing something that she, based on the culture, misinterprets and ends up rejecting you. Unfortunately, learning this "culture" is almost necessary for us to attract girls. I realize many girls (whom I respect immensely) on here might push back on that point, but I would push back on their pushing back. I would have to point out that they probably expect a guy to confidently approach them, and be charming and funny, etc. All of that falls well into the dating culture I mentioned. Some guys are born natural at it (and how I envy them). But for the rest of us, we have to work at it.
So... Take from this what you will. It's a very tough call. We are all relational creatures and we all feel the desire to connect to someone we are attracted to, but timing is everything. I wish you the best of luck. |
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Aim at heaven and you will get earth thrown in. Aim at earth and you get neither.
- C.S. Lewis |
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emilyjanelle
Posts:510
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| 05/18/2009 1:31 PM |
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I agree with david, but I'll add some more.
timing really is everything. people start dating at 13 (eh) and people start dating at 30. either or, it can end badly. I will be honest, any time before you're ready to get married, dating is out of the question. (so that would be before 16, because most dating relationships last at least, on average I'd say, 6 months before an engagement and then it's another 6 months before you're married. and please, I'm not an expert, I'm just assuming.)
when I say that, alot of people want to jump down my throat and say, "that's harsh! people can have their own opinions! what does the Bible have to say about that?!" well, what does it have to say? nothing utterly specific, no. "girls got married when they were 14 years old back then!" um, yeah they did. but that was when the word "teenager" wasn't even a word. that was when you went right from "child" to "adult", there was no middle ground. our culture tries to extend the life of a kid now, that we have "kidults".
my point is, do you believe that you're ready? spiritually, emotionally, mentally? do your parents, pastor(s), close friends (preferably older, too)? if there are differing opinions, take them to heart. that's really all I have to say, for now. :] |
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You may as well come quiet.
- Police Maxim |
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maddiegirl
Posts:210
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| 05/18/2009 7:05 PM |
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| I agree wholeheartedly with David and Emilyjanelle - 'nuf said. (= |
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David
Posts:499
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| 05/18/2009 8:08 PM |
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I agree with emilyjanelle. 16 is a bit on the young side, in my opinion, but if you're going for the low end extreme, that might be it. Also, in support of what she said, just because the Bible describes something doesn't mean it's morally endorsing it. That's an extremely important distinction to make.
As I eluded to, though, just because people are young doesn't mean they don't have legitimate desire for relationship. Not dating is just plain hard. However, truth be told, it will benefit you in the long run. You will be so much more relationally healthy than someone who was a serial dater. If you can get past a girls societal expectations, you'll be much more able to connect with her and love her. |
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Aim at heaven and you will get earth thrown in. Aim at earth and you get neither.
- C.S. Lewis |
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Locke
Posts:223
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| 05/18/2009 11:39 PM |
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| Honestly? I wouldn't date until out of high school, at least. There's plenty of room to find out what attracts you in the opposite sex in regular friendships and in spending time together at school, at church, at the mall, the beach, wherever. When you think about this girl, can you see the two of you in a committed relationship? If not, why not? Is she a girl you'd be glad to bring home to your parents? |
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It is trifles that make the sum of life. |
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MyLifeHisWill
Posts:184
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| 05/19/2009 7:35 AM |
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| Okay. Dating. Tough topic. If you had asked me this question 8months ago, I would have agreed with everyone here and would of given you a page long explaination as to why. I was convinced I wouldn't date untill I was out of highschool, I was conviced I would "court" and I was convinced that no boy on earth could change that. Until my best friend did. We had been great friends for a long time. He knew everything about me, I knew everything about him. Now, had I cut off the relaitonship then (such as maddiegirl was thinking about doing in another thread) it would have never amounted into what it is today. Needless to say, I didn't. Maybe I should have...but ill get there in a moment. One pretty September night, he told me he liked me. And slowly but surely things went from "friends" to "more than:" Now, in retrospect, I would like to give you some advice. I am happily going out with him, but I have some warnings. I agree with everyone that at my age, 15, dating is not the best idea. My boyfriend and I have a long time to wait to get married, and keeping physically pure is extremely difficult. Its tough to see him everyday and know there are 4...5...6...more years of this you have to deal with, and its only been 7months. Also: make sure your parents respect him and respect you having a relationship. If they say you cant date - dont! My mom is extremely helpful when it comes to my relationship. We talk about everything that goes on, and she is okay with me having a boyfriend. But if your parents arent - disobedience is a sin. Thirdly, people always go off on this "emotional attachment" stuff, which has its validity, but i would like to say - you CAN NOT go through life without getting emotionall attached to people. Just like running around dating just anyone teaches you divorce, avoiding relationships for fear of "emotional attachment" teaches you how NOT to have relationships. Should you date just to date? No. Should you be careful about the type of guy you date? Yes. Should he be a Christian? Yes. Should you avoid all guys for fear of building a freindship that may turn into more? NO!!!!!! And just because you "court" doesn't mean you avoid heartbreak. We all make stupid desicions, and sometimes, things just don't work out, but if you hide yourself from reality, you miss alot of opportunities. Are the chances of breakup higher if you date? Oh definately. But there is a difference between "dating just to date cuz its cool" and "Dating because you really love this person and your relaitonship is based on more than 'hes/shes cute'" I think a friendship is the best basis for a relationship. If my boyfriend and I ever break up, I know that I will not only loose a boyfriend, but my best friend. However, I am trusting God with the end results. Would I advise you not to date? Yes, I think you would enjoy being single. Would I say its a sin to date? No, but what you do while dating could be. Do I think cutting off all possible relationships is a good idea? No, I think its really kind of stupid (sorry but its true). Many people marry thier highschool sweethearts, many don't. Be smart, and make sure you PRAY IT THROUGH. If you arn't mature in God, don't go after a girl/ guy. Make sure He is your #1 before you let a guy/girl come in. If there is anything I could do over, I would want to be closer to God before going out with my boyfriend. SO there you go lol ....my advice |
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I don't want to just "live" I want to experience life. |
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