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WWJD
Posts:7
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| 09/28/2009 3:55 PM |
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Ok, so I am a 17 year old high school girl who has a crush on this guy who is a year older than me. He has had girlfriends before; I have never really had a boyfriend. He is kind of a charmer, but I have gotten to know him better and have begun to like him. He says that he is in love with this girl who lives somewhere else, but it sounds to me that he is more "infatuated" with her than "in love" with her. There's a difference.
Anyway, he has taken on this mentality of thinking that just because he has been hurt by this girl who says she loves him -she has made him jealous by dating other guys- he should hurt other girls the same way she has hurt him. I have seen him flirt with girls even though he has no interest in them. He dated a girl for almost a year, even though he didn't really like her. I think he was just trying to FORGET the girl he says he's in love with.
Well, all of the sudden, I have begun to talk to him more and am starting to fall for him; but not for the same reasons as the other girls. I am beginning to like him because of the person it seems he used to be before he became BITTER because of this girl who is hurting him. I am guarding my heart, but I can't seem to discourage the feelings I have for him. And he has shown that he is attracted to me too, but he seems to be putting up SHIELDS around his heart. It seems as if he doesn't want to get close to anyone else. He is NOT ALLOWING himself to become attached to another girl and is still holding on to this girl he says he loves who has done everything she can to make him burn with jealousy. What I don't understand is, WHY IS HE SO ATTACHED TO THIS GIRL? Why can't he realize that he needs to move on and allow himself to meet and grow close to other people.
Let's call this guy Ryan. Well, Ryan is a christian as well and I know, that deep down inside him, he feels guilty for what he is doing to these girls -leading them on with false hope. He has tried to do that with me, but I know better; however, I think I am beginning to fall for it. But I can't help but feel sorry for Ryan. He seems to BITTER and CALLOUS to everything and everyone around him. He needs the Lord, but how do I reach out to him without releasing the guards around my own heart?
HOW DOES A GIRL REACH INTO A GUY'S HEART? |
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MyLifeHisWill
Posts:184
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| 10/07/2009 6:47 AM |
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| Oh hunny...don't. If he's not stable with girls, and doesn't trust - you are bound to end up with a broken heart. Listen, my "its complictated boyfriend" was a fLiRt like no other, and I fell in love. Suprisingly enough he stopped his flirting pretty much cold turkey...but he didn't have that past pain thing. However, a guy i was really close with, lets call him Eric, he liked me, but he had a messy backround - from parents to family to best friends, they had all hurt him and crushed his trust. I tried to build it up...but in the end my love wasn't enough for him - he needed God. My love was a counterfiet, and to make a long story short - im just another person on his list of people he'll never trust and his reasons why he will never open his heart. Its so messy...just watch out girl... |
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I don't want to just "live" I want to experience life. |
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emilyjanelle
Posts:510
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| 10/07/2009 9:25 AM |
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| I have to agree with MLHW. most, if not all of the time, we want to put our noses where they don't belong. especially as girls! God built us that way, to be caring and curious. but too much of a good thing can easily turn people away. no matter what we "think" we know about a person, only God really does. and only God can move in this guy's life. I'm not saying you should completely ignore him, but I honestly believe (from personal experience) that there's no way a girl can reach out to a guy without breaking down, at least a little bit. he should find accountability partners of the same sex, preferably his age or even older, and rely on them. when we allow a person to "lean on us", 99.9% of the time, it slows us down because we're carrying a whole lot of extra baggage. |
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You may as well come quiet.
- Police Maxim |
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Adelynn
Posts:516
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| 10/07/2009 12:32 PM |
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Everyone wants what they can't have, right? He can't have this other girl, and you know you shouldn't want him.
Right now he just needs some friends that he can trust as friends, and if you can't do that, be friends with no string attached you're not the right person to help him. If you got together just like any other dating relationship, don't you think you will probably end up breaking up, and that won't help him, will it? |
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"Angel of Mercy, how did you find me? How did you pick me up again? Angel of Mercy, how did you move me, why am I on my feet again?" -One Republic |
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WWJD
Posts:7
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| 10/07/2009 1:02 PM |
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Well, I have to admit that what you both have just said has truly awaken me to see the reality of things. We were never dating, but that attraction has always been there. I know what you are saying about how it's not exactly my job to reach to him. It's just so hard to back away now because I almost feel as if it IS my job to help him, but that's probably just me being ignorant.
I don't know if I could just be his friend without feeling anything for him. He has been away from Christian fellowship so long that I don't believe he recognizes it or appreciates it anymore. And that's what is hurting his relationship with Christ.
But I know that God can work in ways that no human can. So how do I "pull" myself away from him emotionally and accept the fact that, even though I like him, -and maybe he likes me- we could never be together because of all this baggage he is carrying -and yes, it is draining on me too! Sometimes, in high school, you get swept up in the belief that you have to like someone, and he is -sadly- the best choice in this school! I truly long for a meangingful relationship with a guy and believe I am ready for one, but none of the guys at this school seem to be "right".
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emilyjanelle
Posts:510
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| 10/07/2009 9:39 PM |
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So how do I "pull" myself away from him emotionally and accept the fact that, even though I like him, -and maybe he likes me- we could never be together because of all this baggage he is carrying...
emotionally getting yourself away from this guy is going to take time. surround yourself with a great support system: your parents, close friends (of the same sex), and even older mentors. be open to their opinions and thoughts. closing yourself off and shutting down to them will only make things worse. don't chat, text, or talk to him on the phone unless you absolutely have to. I'm not saying snub him, but I've said on other posts, constantly being in contact with him is going to be like pouring salt on an open wound. |
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You may as well come quiet.
- Police Maxim |
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WWJD
Posts:7
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| 10/09/2009 11:44 AM |
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| i know. that you so much for your help. |
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clare
Posts:952
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| 10/11/2009 12:51 AM |
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This could be another way it turned out. From my experience Ok so there's this guy who is very insecure and you like him as a good freind. Then as he warms up to you and starts to open up...he falls in love with you.. and you love him very much-as a friend. Because he's been hurt so much and he trusts you he feels you are the one. On the other hand as a girl you feel very deeply what he is feeling and may mistake those caring feelings as "in love feelings" then one day he hints he's going to ask you to marry him...and it's like cold water in your face. "OMG! I thought I love him but here I was leading him unintentionally into thinking it was a different more serious love." And then you who he trusts the most with all his heart (and hurts) end up wounding him the most by saying No I never loved you in that way. You wonder why you never made that clearer...and he goes back into his bitter hurt untrusting world blaming you...and you feel like crap. Whatever you do always make your true motives clear guys can read to much from a simple caring heart. It's a mess you don't want to ever be guilty of... |
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WWJD
Posts:7
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| 10/11/2009 2:53 PM |
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| I understand all that you are saying, but I actually do like this guy as more than just a friend and I want him to know that I like him without being too foward or obvious. But it almost seems as if he doesn't know that I like him that way. How do I show this guy that I like him and still be reserved and sincere and yet know at the same time if he likes me too? |
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clare
Posts:952
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| 10/11/2009 7:48 PM |
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| Ya..Well actually I was ready to marry him but God had different ideas I'm trusting Him, all this pain must be for a reason. I think right now the wisest chioce would just be a friend to him. If you let on too early you are interested you may actually do more damage to your future relationship with him. Pray HARD and God will open his heart. If he refuses to hear God...you don't want a man like that even if he is awsome in everything else and you love him. First be a true friend. Don't judge him. Maybe tell him that you will be there for him if he ever wants to talk. Let him discover what you are at his pace for now. Do not come between him and any girlfriend he may have now! When he starts seeing that you are a girl better than some of the others he's been messing with he will want to change. From my experience also, he may feel unworthy of you. But when he finds he can trust you he will let you know! Ok I think I want' real clear in what I was trying to say. I'm in a huge hurry! I'll clarify myself later... |
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WWJD
Posts:7
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| 10/12/2009 3:50 AM |
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okay, i completely understand what you are saying...it's just going to take some time to sink in. I was thinking of telling him that I like him, just so it's out in the open and I don't feel like we're going in circles, because sometimes I feel as if he may be doing the same thing -testing the waters. But if I did tell him and he said he just wanted to be a friend, I don't think I would be upset about it. I wouldn't want to lose his friendship so I think I could still be just a friend to him, but of course, guard my heart. And about praying that God opens his heart, I have been doing so and I really hope that God does open his heart. I also think that sometimes I give off the standoffish impression, and he may be thinking that I just don't like him any more than a friend. But I am also a rather reserved person and am not too bold in my emotions.
Well, I will still continue to pray about this. But tell me what you think about me letting him know that I like him. |
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clare
Posts:952
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| 10/12/2009 5:52 PM |
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Hmm it's hard to say what to do and what not to do. There could be good and bad from telling him you like him. I always telt it should be the guys place to first say how much he likes the girl rather then the girl first telling the guy, but then that's just me. Is he a good enough friend that you can invite him over or does he go to your youth group, if you have one?
Just up and telling him you like him might put him in a spot. Like wow ok she likes me I don't want to hurt her but there's this other girl I like (or thinks he does) and he will be forced to choose and if he doesn't choose you then he will always feel uncomfortable around you. It may be wise to refrain from telling him how you feel. He has a damaged heart and let him find healing in being a close friend to you, and open up and break down those walls in him.
Is there someone else who could be involved? Do you have a brother or another guy friend who knows him and is concerned for him? Your parents? When i first met my now ex boyfriend he had some problems and I sencerely wanted to just help and be a friend. Ok a few months later I fell for him and we bagan dating and God said Just a minute here honey that's not what this was all about! So be asking that God gives you the appropriate feelings right now...you don't want heartbreak for you or your friend. |
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WWJD
Posts:7
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| 10/13/2009 4:29 PM |
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Yes, you are right. I didn't tell him today, even though I was planning to. I think that all you've said is right. I do need to be patient and just wait for God to answer. As it, he is already beginning to open up more to me and enjoy my company even more than he used to. I can already feel his heart begin to soften towards me, but he still has a long way to go before he is completely healed, and that can only come from God. I never liked the idea of telling a guy I liked him and have never done it before. I guess I was just being impatient for results, but then, that's how all the other girls at this school are with him and he seems to be turned off by it. So I want him to know that I like him, but at the same time, I still need to pray about this and decide whether this is what God wants....
Thank you again for your advice. It has truly helped me make the right decisions.  |
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Bea
Posts:12
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| 05/04/2010 4:55 PM |
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| You amaze me. You are a wise girl; a girl that listens to others. Never loose that. |
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JoJo
Posts:1670
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| 05/05/2010 6:48 PM |
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You've probably already got your answers  lol but I'll just add (relating to your first post)
that I was in your exact situation, and i thought I could marry the guy, but maybe he wasn't ready etc, turns out he just got engaged out of nowhere... and here's me, completely shocked!!
he was basically what you described above, except he wouldn't date someone just to hurt someone else.... but he kinda does do some stuff to "show up" his brother... which I've only recently found out.
But yeah, I'd be really careful, cuz I had convinced myself that God was saying "no he's the right guy for you" but right now, I seriously doubt it.
remember one thing... just because someone opens up to you, does not mean they like you... you might just be an understanding person to talk to. i have tonnes of guy friends who open up to me. and I dont think any of them see me as more than a great friend....
ok i donno what else to say |
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Turn up the music
Turn it up loud
Take a few chances
Let it all out
'Cause you won't regret it
Lookin' back from where you have been
'Cause it's not who you knew
And it's not what you did
It's how you live
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God Bless!
Mwah XOXO
JoJo |
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